These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
You can edit this text for your reference. Changes will not be saved.
6
Overall Band
6
Task Response
6
Coherence
6
Lexical
5
Grammar
The essay addresses the task reasonably well, providing reasons why children prefer computer games over sports and arguing that this is a negative development. However, the essay could benefit from more depth in analysis and more precise language. Furthermore, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect clarity.
The essay addresses both parts of the task, explaining why children prefer computer games and assessing the impact as negative. However, the reasoning could be developed further with more detailed examples or evidence. The essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction and more balanced exploration of both the positive and negative aspects in the body paragraphs.
The essay is generally well-organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with cohesion, particularly in the transition between ideas and paragraphs. The introduction could more clearly outline the structure of the essay, and the conclusion could more effectively summarize the main points.
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are instances of awkward phrasing and word choice that limit clarity. More precise and varied vocabulary could enhance the argument. Some terms are repeated, suggesting a limited range of lexical resource.
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including issues with verb forms, sentence structure, and punctuation. These errors occasionally obscure meaning and detract from the overall coherence of the essay. Improved grammatical accuracy would enhance clarity and effectiveness.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
As society develops, it contributes massively to the innovation of gaming experience and has upgraded the gaming experience. Due to that reason, a large number of children prioritize virtual games over sporting activities. This essay will explore the reason why and if this is an advantageous disadvantageous development.
The introduction presents the topic and attempts to outline the essay's focus. However, the thesis statement is unclear and could be more specific about the direction of the essay. The phrasing is somewhat awkward, particularly 'advantageous disadvantageous development,' which needs clarification.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why children prefer computer games over sports. Firstly, computer games are easily accessible and can be played indoors making them more convenient and less time consuming than going outside to play sports. With the developments of technology, many video games are designed to be more attractive and to be engaging which can be more exciting than regular physical activities. Moreover children can participate in games anytime from the comfort of their home. Finally, the crowdedness and narrowness of inner-city living can be dangerous for young children and that may discourage parents from allowing their children to play outside.
This paragraph identifies several reasons why children prefer computer games. The ideas are generally clear, but the transitions between points could be smoother. The explanation about the dangers of inner-city living is introduced but not fully developed. More examples or evidence could strengthen the argument.
Body paragraph 2
While there are still some positive effects to playing computer games, such as developing cognitive and problem-solving skills, the disadvantages have completely outweighed the advantages. Spending too much time on video games could heavily affect both of your mental and physical health, it could lead to obesity, short-sightedness and lack of physical activities, or could even result in depression and psychological crisis. In addition, they could miss out on developing essential background skills such as teamwork skills which are often gained through team sports. Physical fitness is important for a child’s overall growth and it affects their well-being, without them, children may suffer both physically and mentally.
This paragraph effectively argues that the disadvantages of computer games outweigh the advantages. It presents a range of negative impacts on health and social skills. However, the paragraph could be improved by integrating more specific examples or studies to support the claims. The sentence structures are sometimes awkward, and more varied sentence patterns would improve readability.
Conclusion
To sum up, the phenomenon of children prefer computer games over sports is mainly due to convenience, entertainment, and safety reasons. However, despite some positive aspects, this is largely a negative development as it can negatively affect children's physical health and social skills.
The conclusion restates the main points of the essay but could be more comprehensive in summarizing the argument. It effectively concludes the essay but lacks a strong final statement that reinforces the overall argument. The language could be more precise to enhance the impact of the conclusion.
Sign In
[nextend_social_login]
or sign in with email
The password must have a minimum of 8 characters of numbers and letters, contain at least 1 capital letter
Cô Huyền sẽ liên hệ trực tiếp với bạn qua email hoặc điện thoại trong 1-2 ngày tới để trao đổi cụ thể hơn về việc học.
Hoặc bạn cũng có thể chủ động liên hệ với cô giáo theo thông tin dưới đây để được xếp lớp sớm nhất.
(+84) 0383-096-717
Email: huyenbui@cohuyenielts.com
Xin cám ơn.
ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN
Để đăng ký học IELTS lớp cô Huyền, vui lòng điền form dưới đây để được tư vấn. Hoặc gọi điện trực tiếp cho cô giáo theo số +84.0383.096.717 để giữ chỗ.
Để đăng ký nhanh nhất, vui lòng liên hệ trực tiếp cho cô Huyền theo số:
(+84) 0383-096-717
Email: huyenbui@cohuyenielts.com
Địa chỉ: 63 Vũ Ngọc Phan, Láng Hạ, Đống Đa, Hà Nội
