Evaluation for Question #8595

These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Question

These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Your Essay

Nowadays , certain numbers of youngsters are spending more time playing games on the computer in compared to doing sport. I believe this is more negative than positive.
	On the one hand, spending time on computer games has a little bit of benefits such as develops cognitive and problem-solving skills or encourages digital literacy. This is because many video games require strategic thinking and quick decision-making, which can enhance cognitive skills. When you face-to-face with some situations in games, you can develop problem-solving skills. Furthermore, playing video games familiarizes children with technology, preparing them for the digital age, which can help them have many opportunities to join in computer industries.
	On the other hands, do not spend time on sports can lead to physical inactivity and health issues. The reason is excessive time spent on computer games can reduce physical activity, leading to obesity and other health problems can have long-term consequences for physical health and well-being. Besides, it also cause addiction and poor academic performances. Many video games are designed to be addictive, encouraging children to spend excessive time playing distract children from schoolwork and reduce their academic performance over time. Moreover, this trend are reducing social and team building skills more and more. Gaming is often an isolated activity and children who focus on gaming may miss opportunities to develop interpersonal skills and build relationships through physical teamwork. Team sports like soccer or basketball teach cooperation and leadership, skills that are often missing in solo gaming experiences
	In conclusion, young people decided to choose a gaming, even though it is clear that a sport is the best option for spending  time compared to their choice.

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5.5

Overall Band

Task Response

Coherence

Lexical

Grammar

The essay presents a relevant response to the task. The writer discusses both the reasons why children prefer computer games over sports and the negative impacts of this trend. However, the essay has issues with coherence due to inconsistent paragraphing and lack of clear topic sentences. Additionally, grammatical errors and awkward phrasing affect the clarity and readability of the essay.

The essay addresses both parts of the task by discussing reasons for the preference and providing a stance on whether it's positive or negative. However, the explanation of why this is a negative development could be expanded with more detailed examples. Additionally, a clearer distinction between the benefits and drawbacks in terms of their impact could strengthen the argument.

The essay's structure presents some issues, such as inconsistent paragraphing and lack of clear topic sentences. Transitions between ideas are weak, and the essay could benefit from better linking phrases to enhance cohesion. The conclusion attempts to summarize the argument, but it could be more directly linked to the main points discussed.

The vocabulary used is adequate but lacks variety and sophistication. Some expressions are awkward or imprecise, such as 'a little bit of benefits.' There is also repetition of simple words and phrases. The essay could be improved by using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise expressions.

The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement errors, and awkward sentence structures. These errors impede understanding and detract from the overall quality of the writing. More attention to grammatical accuracy and varied sentence structures would improve the essay.

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Introduction

Nowadays , certain numbers of youngsters are spending more time playing games on the computer in compared to doing sport. I believe this is more negative than positive.

The introduction presents the topic and provides a clear position. However, there is an awkward phrasing ('in compared to') that should be corrected. The introduction could also benefit from a brief mention of the reasons why children prefer computer games.

Body paragraph 1

On the one hand, spending time on computer games has a little bit of benefits such as develops cognitive and problem-solving skills or encourages digital literacy. This is because many video games require strategic thinking and quick decision-making, which can enhance cognitive skills. When you face-to-face with some situations in games, you can develop problem-solving skills. Furthermore, playing video games familiarizes children with technology, preparing them for the digital age, which can help them have many opportunities to join in computer industries.

The paragraph discusses the potential benefits of computer games but lacks clear topic sentences and transitions. The phrase 'a little bit of benefits' is awkward, and there are grammatical errors ('develops cognitive and problem-solving skills'). More coherent structuring and clearer differentiation between benefits and drawbacks are needed.

Body paragraph 2

On the other hands, do not spend time on sports can lead to physical inactivity and health issues. The reason is excessive time spent on computer games can reduce physical activity, leading to obesity and other health problems can have long-term consequences for physical health and well-being. Besides, it also cause addiction and poor academic performances. Many video games are designed to be addictive, encouraging children to spend excessive time playing distract children from schoolwork and reduce their academic performance over time. Moreover, this trend are reducing social and team building skills more and more. Gaming is often an isolated activity and children who focus on gaming may miss opportunities to develop interpersonal skills and build relationships through physical teamwork. Team sports like soccer or basketball teach cooperation and leadership, skills that are often missing in solo gaming experiences

This paragraph attempts to present the negative aspects but is marred by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing ('On the other hands,' 'it also cause'). The paragraph contains several ideas, which could be better organized into separate points with clear transitions. The discussion about social skills and teamwork is relevant but needs clearer connection to the main argument.

Conclusion

In conclusion, young people decided to choose a gaming, even though it is clear that a sport is the best option for spending time compared to their choice.

The conclusion restates the main argument but lacks a summary of the key points discussed in the body paragraphs. The sentence structure is awkward ('decided to choose a gaming'), and it would benefit from a stronger closing statement that reinforces the essay's position.

Evaluation for Question #8595

Question

Your Essay

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Introduction

Body paragraph 1

Body paragraph 2

Conclusion

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Links

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Evaluation for Question #8595

Question

Your Essay

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Introduction

Body paragraph 1

Body paragraph 2

Conclusion

Đăng ký học với AIM8IELTS.com

Links

Bạn đã đăng ký thành công​

(+84) 0383-096-717

ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN​

(+84) 0383-096-717

Bạn đã đăng ký thành công

ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN