These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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5.5
Overall Band
6
Task Response
5
Coherence
6
Lexical
5
Grammar
The essay provides a relevant response to the task, discussing both the reasons why children prefer computer games and the implications of this trend. However, the essay lacks depth in analysis and development of ideas. There are issues with grammatical accuracy and complexity, as well as cohesion and coherence throughout the essay. The vocabulary used is appropriate but not particularly varied or sophisticated.
The essay addresses both parts of the question, providing reasons for children's preference for computer games and stating that this is a negative development. However, the analysis lacks depth, and the points are not fully developed or supported with examples. The conclusion also does not provide a clear summary of the arguments presented.
The essay's structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is limited, and transitions between ideas are not always smooth. Some points are repeated, and there is a lack of clear paragraphing and organization within paragraphs.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, the vocabulary is not particularly varied or sophisticated, and there are some inaccuracies in word choice and usage. More precise and diverse vocabulary would improve the score.
There are frequent grammatical errors, including incorrect verb tense, subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward sentence structures. These errors detract from the clarity and readability of the essay. More complex and varied sentence structures with fewer errors would improve the score.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
Nowadays , certain numbers of youngsters are spending more time playing games on the computer in compared to doing sport. I believe this is more negative than positive.
The introduction is clear and sets up the essay's argument. However, it includes a minor grammatical error ('in compared to' should be 'compared to').
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, spending time on computer games has a little bit of benefits such as develops cognitive and problem-solving skills or encourages digital literacy. This is because many video games require strategic thinking and quick decision-making, which can enhance cognitive skills. When you face-to-face with some situations in games, you can develop problem-solving skills. Furthermore, playing video games familiarizes children with technology, preparing them for the digital age, which can help them have many opportunities to join in computer industries.
This paragraph discusses the benefits of computer games but lacks depth and detailed examples. The paragraph is somewhat repetitive and lacks smooth transitions between ideas. There are also grammatical errors, such as 'a little bit of benefits' which should be 'a few benefits'.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hands, do not spend time on sports can lead to physical inactivity and health issues. The reason is excessive time spent on computer games can reduce physical activity, leading to obesity and other health problems can have long-term consequences for physical health and well-being. Besides, it also cause addiction and poor academic performances. Many video games are designed to be addictive, encouraging children to spend excessive time playing distract children from schoolwork and reduce their academic performance over time. Moreover, this trend are reducing social and team building skills more and more. Gaming is often an isolated activity and children who focus on gaming may miss opportunities to develop interpersonal skills and build relationships through physical teamwork. Team sports like soccer or basketball teach cooperation and leadership, skills that are often missing in solo gaming experiences
This paragraph presents several negative aspects of gaming but lacks coherence and contains grammatical errors. The points could be organized more clearly, and transitions between ideas need improvement. There are also verb tense and agreement issues, such as 'it also cause' which should be 'it also causes'.
Conclusion
In conclusion, young people decided to choose a gaming, even though it is clear that a sport is the best option for spending time compared to their choice.
The conclusion attempts to summarize the essay but lacks clarity and precision. It does not effectively restate the main points or provide a strong, cohesive ending. The sentence structure is awkward and could be improved for better clarity.
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