These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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5.5
Overall Band
5
Task Response
5
Coherence
6
Lexical
5
Grammar
The essay addresses the task, providing some reasons for the preference of video games over sports among children. However, the essay lacks depth in its analysis and clarity in its position on whether it is a positive or negative development. The coherence and cohesion require improvement, and there are several grammatical errors and awkward expressions. The lexical resource is adequate but not varied.
The essay identifies reasons for the preference of video games such as accessibility and lack of outdoor spaces. However, it does not clearly state if it's a positive or negative development until the conclusion. The argument is not fully developed, and some points are repetitive. More detailed examples and a well-defined position would improve the response.
The essay contains some logical progression of ideas, but the coherence is hindered by a lack of clear linking phrases and transitions between points. The paragraphs are not clearly focused, and some sentences are disconnected, affecting the overall flow of the essay.
The vocabulary used is relevant to the topic, but there is a lack of variety and precision in word choice. Some phrases are awkward or incorrectly used, showing limited flexibility in lexical resource. More varied and precise language use is necessary for a higher score.
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect article usage, and awkward sentence structures. These errors detract from the clarity of the essay. More complex sentence structures and improved grammatical accuracy are needed.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
In this fast-paced world, a lot of teenagers prefer devoting time to computer games rather than to sports. I will discuss the contributing factors and I will prove it is a positive or negative development in this passage.
The introduction sets the stage for the discussion but does not clearly state the essay's position. The phrase 'I will prove it is a positive or negative development' is vague and should be more specific.
Body paragraph 1
There are many causes of this trend. First of all, video games are easily accessible and available on most technology devices. Technology devices have become a central part of children’s lives. Everyone has a mobile phone powerful enough to play most of the video games.
This paragraph introduces accessibility as a reason for the trend. However, it is somewhat repetitive and lacks depth. Providing specific examples or statistics could strengthen the argument.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover, the a lack of outdoor spaces and facilities such as football courts, badminton courts, or basketball courts. Urbanization and population lead to a lack of spaces for outdoor spaces because they need to spend space for other necessary purposes like building apartments or constructing hospitals. As a result, teenagers don’t have space to hang out and work out in outdoor spaces so they turn to indoor gaming as an alternative.
The paragraph discusses the lack of outdoor spaces but could be more concise. The argument becomes repetitive and lacks clear connections between sentences. Further explanation of how this directly leads to increased game time would improve clarity.
Conclusion
In conclusion, playing video games has become more common than sports due to the accessibility in society and the lack of outdoor spaces. In my opinion, I think this trend is a negative development trend and authorities need to have solutions to solve this difficult trend nowadays.
The conclusion summarizes the main points but introduces the writer's opinion too late. It should have been stated clearly in the introduction and developed throughout the essay. The call for action by authorities is not elaborated upon.
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