These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
You can edit this text for your reference. Changes will not be saved.
6.5
Overall Band
7
Task Response
6
Coherence
6
Lexical
6
Grammar
The essay presents a clear argument on why computer games are preferred over sports among children and argues that this is a negative development. The writer provides reasons and examples to support their claims, but the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion, clearer organization, and more precise language use.
The essay addresses the task by discussing reasons why children prefer computer games and arguing that this is a negative development. The writer provides relevant examples and explanations, but could enhance the task response by considering potential positive aspects of computer games more thoroughly.
The essay is logically organized, but the cohesion between ideas can be improved. Transitions between paragraphs are present but could be smoother. Some arguments are not fully developed, which affects the overall coherence of the essay.
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are instances of awkward phrasing and inaccuracies. More precise and varied language could enhance the lexical resource score.
The essay contains a mix of complex and simple sentence structures, though there are several grammatical inaccuracies and awkward constructions that detract from the overall clarity. Greater grammatical accuracy and a wider range of sentence structures would improve the score.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
Much more teenagers prioritize playing games instead of participating in outdoor sports. I believe this is a negative development as a consequence of bad performance in study and sedentary lifestyle.
The introduction presents a clear position on the topic, but it is somewhat brief. Expanding on the reasons mentioned and providing a clearer roadmap for the essay would strengthen this section.
Body paragraph 1
One significant reason why more and more children prefer to spend time on computer games than on outdoor activities is poor facilities available for sports. Nowadays, overpopulation and urbanization have accelerated, leading to lack of space for doing activities and exorbitant costs. Either children and parents find it difficult to invest in physical development, which they often neglect to enhance their physical health by exercise. Furthermore, the attraction of high technique games manipulates youths to play them most of the time. Due to the advancement of the Game Industry, various kinds of games involve high quantities and catchy gameplay. Not only do the games have bright and dynamic graphics, but the producers also try to use tactics to create a larger source of dopamine, which stimulates children’s excitement. As a result, a considerable number of youths prefer to spend time playing games because they indulge themselves in an addiction.
This paragraph provides a detailed argument about the reasons for children's preference for computer games. However, the transition between the two main points (poor facilities and game attraction) could be smoother. The paragraph could be improved by clearly linking these points to the overall argument.
Body paragraph 2
Although video games may offer some minor benefits, such as improving eye-hand coordination or enhancing problem solving skills in some cases, the overall impact of this trend is largely negative. The reason why more and more children are becoming obese is their sedentary lifestyle. Many researches have proved that the percentage of obese’s children since the technical gadgets were found and spread indicate a surge. Moreover, replacing physical exercise with screen time contributes to serious problems with soft and social skills. In the long term, children who avoid social interaction through sports or group activities may also struggle with communication and teamwork skills.Therefore,while playing computer games create a temporary sense of satisfaction, long exposure with screens is a harmful development for teenagers' social skills and mental well-being.
This paragraph effectively discusses the negative impacts of playing computer games. The examples provided help to support the argument, but the paragraph could be more concise and focused. The transition between the discussion of obesity and social skills could be clearer.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that the increasing tendency of children to play computer games instead of engaging in sports is a negative development, as it can lead to poor communication skills and mental health issues.
The conclusion restates the main argument of the essay effectively. However, it could be enhanced by summarizing the main points discussed in the body paragraphs to reinforce the argument.
Sign In
[nextend_social_login]
or sign in with email
The password must have a minimum of 8 characters of numbers and letters, contain at least 1 capital letter
Cô Huyền sẽ liên hệ trực tiếp với bạn qua email hoặc điện thoại trong 1-2 ngày tới để trao đổi cụ thể hơn về việc học.
Hoặc bạn cũng có thể chủ động liên hệ với cô giáo theo thông tin dưới đây để được xếp lớp sớm nhất.
(+84) 0383-096-717
Email: huyenbui@cohuyenielts.com
Xin cám ơn.
ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN
Để đăng ký học IELTS lớp cô Huyền, vui lòng điền form dưới đây để được tư vấn. Hoặc gọi điện trực tiếp cho cô giáo theo số +84.0383.096.717 để giữ chỗ.
Để đăng ký nhanh nhất, vui lòng liên hệ trực tiếp cho cô Huyền theo số:
(+84) 0383-096-717
Email: huyenbui@cohuyenielts.com
Địa chỉ: 63 Vũ Ngọc Phan, Láng Hạ, Đống Đa, Hà Nội