These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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5
Overall Band
5
Task Response
5
Coherence
5
Lexical
5
Grammar
The essay addresses the task but lacks depth and development. While the main points are presented, they are not sufficiently supported with examples or detailed explanations. There are also issues with grammar, coherence, and vocabulary that affect the overall readability and clarity of the essay.
The essay identifies reasons why children prefer computer games over sports and argues that this is a negative development. However, the arguments are not well-developed and lack supporting evidence. The essay also fails to explore any potential positive aspects of the development, which could have provided a more balanced view.
The essay's structure is generally logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the ideas within paragraphs are not always clearly connected, and transitions between sentences and ideas are sometimes abrupt. The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more cohesive linking words.
The vocabulary used is basic and repetitive. There is some attempt to use topic-specific language, but the range is limited. Errors in word choice and formality affect the overall impression of the essay. The writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise language.
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms, sentence fragments, and punctuation mistakes. These errors can make it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The writer should focus on improving sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
In recent years, with the advancement of technology, a large number of young people choose to immerse in virtual games rather than playing sports. Today I will analyze causes of this growth and discuss the negative side.
The introduction provides a general overview of the topic but lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the specific points that will be discussed. It sets up the essay's focus but could be more engaging and precise.
Body paragraph 1
One reason why children prefer spending more time on computer games than playing sports is accessible. Nowadays when more and more people start to using technology devices, available video games can be access easily. Another reason is that games seem to be more engaging. Digital gaming provides interactive experience and impressive graphics with plenty of features, challenges designed for people, especially children to get them glued to the screen in a long period of time.
The paragraph presents reasons for the preference for computer games, but the explanations are not fully developed. The argument about accessibility and engagement is relevant but lacks examples and detailed analysis. There are also grammatical issues that hinder clarity.
Body paragraph 2
This development can generate some negative impacts on society. First significant outcome is it leads to health issues. Sit still in an excessive time for games can reduce individuals' physical activity, resulting in obesity, eyes problems,... Moreover, many games now are designed to be addictive. This will distract the youths from doing daily activities, especially studying.
The paragraph outlines negative impacts but is not sufficiently detailed. The health issues and addiction points are valid but need more elaboration and examples. The use of ellipses is inappropriate, and the paragraph contains grammatical errors that affect coherence.
Conclusion
In conclusion, this essay has discussed the causes of young people spending more time on digital games than playing sports and the negative side of this development.
The conclusion summarizes the main points but does not provide any new insights or suggestions. It could be improved by restating the thesis in a more compelling way and suggesting possible solutions or further considerations.
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