These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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6
Overall Band
6
Task Response
6
Coherence
7
Lexical
7
Grammar
The essay addresses the task by discussing reasons why children prefer computer games over sports and concludes that this is a negative development. However, it lacks a balanced analysis and specific examples to support the claims. The essay could be improved by providing more detailed arguments and addressing both positive and negative aspects.
The essay explains why children prefer computer games and argues that this is a negative development. However, it does not fully explore whether the development could have positive aspects. More comprehensive analysis with specific examples could enhance the task response.
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the ideas in the body paragraphs could be better linked. Transitions between points are not always smooth, and the conclusion is missing.
The essay uses a range of vocabulary accurately, such as 'accessibility', 'urbanization', and 'peer engagement'. However, there is room for more varied language to describe the effects and reasons. The vocabulary is mostly appropriate for the task.
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar, with complex structures and mostly accurate use. There are some minor errors, but they do not impede understanding. Greater variety in sentence structures could enhance the score.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
In modern times, a notable number of children prioritize spending their time on playing digital games rather than on activities and playing sports. In my opinion, this phenomenon is definitely negative. This essay will discuss why this trend happens and the reason why I believe it has adverse effects on children.
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's opinion. It sets up the essay well but could provide a brief outline of the main points to improve coherence.
Body paragraph 1
To begin with, more and more youths engage with computer games due to various reasons. Firstly, the accessibility of playing online games compared to playing sports is a contributing factor. To be more specific, with the advancement of digital gadgets, playing online games is easy and convenient. In contrast, due to the urbanization and population boom, there is a lack of spaces for youngsters to have opportunities to engage in physical activities.
This paragraph clearly explains one reason for the preference for computer games. It could be strengthened by providing more specific examples or data to support the claims about urbanization and space constraints.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly, playing games is a way to fit in with their friends. There are numerous cooperative games, which encourage social interaction, creating a sense of community and peer engagement through gaming. For example, a game called Roblox allows players to build their own virtual houses in a public town. Hence, they can have a virtual life with all kinds of lifelike relationships in a game and even make friends with strangers.
This paragraph provides a relevant example to illustrate the social aspect of gaming. However, it does not address the negative impacts of this trend, as stated in the introduction. Balancing the discussion with potential positive and negative effects could enhance this section.
Conclusion
The essay lacks a conclusion. A concluding paragraph should summarize the main points discussed and restate the writer's position on the issue. Adding a conclusion would improve the coherence and completeness of the essay.
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