Evaluation for Question #8595

These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Question

These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Your Essay

In modern times, a notable number of children prioritize spending their time on playing digital games rather than on activities and playing sports. In my opinion, this phenomenon is definitely negative. This essay will discuss why this trend happens and the reason why I believe it has adverse effects on children. 
  To begin with, more and more youths engage with computer games due to various reasons. Firstly, the accessibility of playing online games compared to playing sports is a contributing factor. To be more specific, with the advancement of digital gadgets, playing online games is easy and convenient. In contrast, due to the urbanization and population boom, there is a lack of spaces for youngsters to have opportunities to engage in physical activities. Secondly, playing games is a way to fit in with their friends. There are numerous cooperative games, which encourage social interaction, creating a sense of community and peer engagement through gaming. For example, a game called Roblox allows players to build their own virtual houses in a public town. Hence, they can have a virtual life with all kinds of lifelike relationships in a game and even make friends with strangers.
 From my perspective, computer games can have detrimental impacts on children. First of all, excessive time spent on computer games can reduce physical activity, leading to obesity and other health problems. Prolonged exposure to computer screen light can be harmful to their eyesight, potentially making them face long-term consequences for physical health and well-being. Moreover, many video games are designed to be addictive, encouraging children to spend overwhelming time playing. As a result, the downside is apparently shown by poor academic performance as they get distracted by gaming. For example, In South Korea, where gaming is extremely popular, many students have been reported to spend more than 6 hours a day playing online games.Thus, their study time is significantly reduced, leading to failing grades. Some students become so distracted by the need to reach higher game levels that they skip homework or lose focus during class.
 In conclusion, playing games is becoming a phenomenon among children due to its accessibility and engagement. However, I personally believe that this trend does more harm than good and should be prevented to ensure the proper development of children.

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6.5

Overall Band

Task Response

Coherence

Lexical

Grammar

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing reasons why children prefer computer games over sports and presents a clear stance on the negative implications of this trend. However, there are some issues with coherence, lexical resource, and grammatical accuracy that prevent it from achieving a higher score.

The essay provides a clear answer to the task, identifying reasons for the trend and arguing that it is a negative development. The examples provided are relevant, but the argument could be more developed with further exploration of the negative impacts on social skills and mental health. The conclusion reiterates the opinion but could be strengthened with a summary of key points.

The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, but the progression of ideas could be smoother. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are present but not always seamless. Some sentences are lengthy and could be simplified for better clarity.

The vocabulary used is appropriate and relevant to the topic. However, there is some repetition of words and phrases, and the range of vocabulary could be expanded. Some phrases are awkward or overly complex, which affects readability.

The essay demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar, but there are several errors, particularly in sentence structure and punctuation. Some sentences are too long and complex, leading to confusion. Shorter, simpler sentences could improve clarity.

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Introduction

The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay's main points and the writer's stance. However, it could be more engaging by introducing a broader context or a striking fact about the trend.

Body paragraph 1

To begin with, more and more youths engage with computer games due to various reasons. Firstly, the accessibility of playing online games compared to playing sports is a contributing factor. To be more specific, with the advancement of digital gadgets, playing online games is easy and convenient. In contrast, due to the urbanization and population boom, there is a lack of spaces for youngsters to have opportunities to engage in physical activities. Secondly, playing games is a way to fit in with their friends. There are numerous cooperative games, which encourage social interaction, creating a sense of community and peer engagement through gaming. For example, a game called Roblox allows players to build their own virtual houses in a public town. Hence, they can have a virtual life with all kinds of lifelike relationships in a game and even make friends with strangers.

This paragraph effectively outlines reasons why children prefer computer games. The examples are relevant, but the paragraph could benefit from smoother transitions between points. Some sentences are overly complex and could be simplified.

Body paragraph 2

From my perspective, computer games can have detrimental impacts on children. First of all, excessive time spent on computer games can reduce physical activity, leading to obesity and other health problems. Prolonged exposure to computer screen light can be harmful to their eyesight, potentially making them face long-term consequences for physical health and well-being. Moreover, many video games are designed to be addictive, encouraging children to spend overwhelming time playing. As a result, the downside is apparently shown by poor academic performance as they get distracted by gaming. For example, In South Korea, where gaming is extremely popular, many students have been reported to spend more than 6 hours a day playing online games.Thus, their study time is significantly reduced, leading to failing grades. Some students become so distracted by the need to reach higher game levels that they skip homework or lose focus during class.

The paragraph provides a strong argument about the negative effects of computer games, supported by relevant examples. However, some sentences are too lengthy, and there are minor grammatical errors. The point about South Korea could be expanded to include more data or studies.

Conclusion

In conclusion, playing games is becoming a phenomenon among children due to its accessibility and engagement. However, I personally believe that this trend does more harm than good and should be prevented to ensure the proper development of children.

The conclusion restates the main argument and personal opinion but could be more impactful by summarizing key points discussed in the essay. It could also suggest potential solutions or actions to mitigate the negative effects.

Evaluation for Question #8595

Question

Your Essay

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Introduction

Body paragraph 1

Body paragraph 2

Conclusion

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Links

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Evaluation for Question #8595

Question

Your Essay

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Introduction

Body paragraph 1

Body paragraph 2

Conclusion

Đăng ký học với AIM8IELTS.com

Links

Bạn đã đăng ký thành công​

(+84) 0383-096-717

ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN​

(+84) 0383-096-717

Bạn đã đăng ký thành công

ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN