These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
You can edit this text for your reference. Changes will not be saved.
5.5
Overall Band
6
Task Response
5
Coherence
5
Lexical
5
Grammar
The essay addresses the question but lacks clarity and precision in several areas. Some arguments are present, but they are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. There are issues with coherence and cohesion, as well as grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that affect the readability of the essay.
The essay presents a position on the topic and provides reasons to support this view. However, the arguments are not fully developed, and the essay lacks specific examples or evidence to substantiate the claims. The writer identifies reasons for children's preference for computer games and outlines some negative impacts but could elaborate more on these points.
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the ideas within paragraphs are not clearly organized, and transitions between ideas are weak. The use of linking words is limited, and some sentences are lengthy and convoluted, which affects the flow of the essay.
The vocabulary used is adequate for the task, but there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word choice. The essay lacks variety in vocabulary, and some expressions are repetitive. There are attempts to use more complex vocabulary, but these are not always successful.
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, sentence fragments, and issues with subject-verb agreement. These errors disrupt the clarity of the writing. The sentence structures are sometimes too complex, leading to confusion.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
Nowadays, certain numbers of children spend the majority of their time playing virtual games instead of outdoor activities or sports. Personally, I believe this is definitely a negative trend and this essay will discuss the significant reasons for this phenomenon.
The introduction presents the topic and states a clear position. However, the phrase 'certain numbers of children' is vague. More specific language would improve clarity.
Body paragraph 1
Children are now prioritizing computer games over sporting activities with remarkable reason. To begin with the first cause, they prefer playing video games rather than sports due to being highly engaging. This is because they offer a wide range of appealing games with stunning graphics and various topics, even allowing them to play immersively together to keep in touch with their friends. As well as, playing digital games not only helps young people relax after a long day studying but also encourages their thinking critically and making decisions quickly. As a result, children can learn how to be adept in technical and promote their technical skills. Another cause is creating their own space which offers feelings of comfort and accomplishment. While some teenagers lack confidence and society often leading them to turn to digital gaming, virtual space will make them feel like they can be true to themselves, express emotions, discover their hidden special skills or even be appreciated.
The paragraph mentions reasons why children prefer computer games, such as engagement and comfort. However, it lacks coherence, and some sentences are unnecessarily complex. The argument about technical skill development is not clearly linked to the overall negative stance of the essay. More structured development of ideas is needed.
Body paragraph 2
From my perspective, computer games can have many serious influences on young people. Firstly, hardly enrolling in outdoor activities can easily lead to physical inactivity and undesired health issues. Excessive time spent on many various types of games, children will lose interest in joining social activities, badly affecting their health such as weak eyesight, obesity and mental illness. Secondly, game addiction can come with many unexpected problems in youths. Many video games are designed to be addictive, wasting their time in some games which do not relate to any skills that they need in real life. In addition, it also distracts young people from schoolwork and reduces academic performances over time. For instance, if they spend most of their time on gaming, they will lose concentrate on working and find it is hard to do.
The paragraph discusses negative impacts such as health issues and academic performance. However, it lacks clear examples and evidence to support the claims. The structure is somewhat fragmented, and there are grammatical errors. The point about game addiction is relevant but could be expanded with more detail.
Conclusion
In conclusion, In spite of playing computer games is becoming popular than other activities due to the attractive and interactive content, the consequences of that trend are truly noticeable and prolong. However, I believe that this trend really harmful for children and need to prevent as soon as possible so as not to affect the development of the youths.
The conclusion summarizes the negative view but contains grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. The recommendation to 'prevent as soon as possible' is not clearly explained. The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing key points from the essay.
Sign In
[nextend_social_login]
or sign in with email
The password must have a minimum of 8 characters of numbers and letters, contain at least 1 capital letter
Cô Huyền sẽ liên hệ trực tiếp với bạn qua email hoặc điện thoại trong 1-2 ngày tới để trao đổi cụ thể hơn về việc học.
Hoặc bạn cũng có thể chủ động liên hệ với cô giáo theo thông tin dưới đây để được xếp lớp sớm nhất.
(+84) 0383-096-717
Email: huyenbui@cohuyenielts.com
Xin cám ơn.
ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN
Để đăng ký học IELTS lớp cô Huyền, vui lòng điền form dưới đây để được tư vấn. Hoặc gọi điện trực tiếp cho cô giáo theo số +84.0383.096.717 để giữ chỗ.
Để đăng ký nhanh nhất, vui lòng liên hệ trực tiếp cho cô Huyền theo số:
(+84) 0383-096-717
Email: huyenbui@cohuyenielts.com
Địa chỉ: 63 Vũ Ngọc Phan, Láng Hạ, Đống Đa, Hà Nội
