These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Question
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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5.5
Overall Band
6
Task Response
5
Coherence
6
Lexical
5
Grammar
The essay addresses the task but lacks clarity in some areas and contains several grammatical and structural issues. While the writer attempts to discuss both the causes and the consequences of the trend, the arguments are not always clearly linked, and the essay tends to be repetitive. There is a need for clearer topic sentences and more coherent structure.
The essay provides a clear response to the task by identifying reasons why children prefer video games over sports and discussing the negative aspects of this trend. However, the position on whether this is a positive or negative development is not explicitly stated until the conclusion. Some points are repeated, and there is a lack of specific examples or evidence to support the claims.
The essay lacks clear structure and coherence. There are some attempts at using cohesive devices, but they are not always effective, leading to a disjointed flow. The paragraphs are not clearly divided by distinct ideas, and the progression of ideas is not smooth.
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there is a tendency to repeat phrases and words. The essay could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and avoid repetition.
There are frequent grammatical errors in the essay, including issues with sentence structure, punctuation, and word choice. These errors sometimes obscure the meaning and reduce the overall clarity of the essay.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
These days, a great number of children prefer spending time on computer games rather than on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?
Introduction
In this fast-paced world, a lot of teenagers prefer devoting time to computer games rather than to sports. I will discuss the contributing factors and I will prove it is a positive or negative development in this passage.
The introduction is brief and lacks a clear thesis statement. It should more explicitly state the writer's position on whether the development is positive or negative.
Body paragraph 1
There are many causes for this trend. First of all, video games are easily accessible and available in most technology devices. Technology devices have become a central part of children’s lives. Everyone has a mobile phone powerful enough to play most video games. Moreover, the lack of outdoor spaces and facilities such as football courts, badminton courts or basketball courts. Urbanization and population leading to a lack of spaces for outdoor spaces because they need to spend spaces for other necessary purposes like building apartments or constructing hospitals. As a result, teenagers don’t have space to hang out and work out in outdoor spaces so they turn to indoor gaming as an alternative.
This paragraph identifies causes but lacks clarity and coherence. The points about technology and lack of outdoor space are relevant but could be more clearly linked. The paragraph is somewhat repetitive and could benefit from a clearer structure.
Body paragraph 2
In addition, video game addiction can harm children’s academic performance. Video games are animated and engaging so they spend their time playing video games. They will not have time to sleep at home, as a result, they will have to sleep at school. Moreover, they will not have time to revise knowledge or gain more information in lectures so they don’t have anything in mind when they have tests at school, as a consequence, their academic results will be bad. After that, excessive screen time may lead to health problems. They spend too much time in front of technology devices screen and they sit too much, youngsters devote most of their time to playing video games and they reduce physical activity leading to sedentary life . Therefore, when you have a sedentary life you might face many serious and long-term health issues such as stroke, obesity, blood pressure, diabetes.
This paragraph addresses the negative impacts of video games effectively but is repetitive and lacks clear topic sentences. The arguments about academic performance and health issues are relevant but need to be more clearly and concisely presented.
Conclusion
In conclusion, playing video games becomes more common than sports due to the accessibility in society and the lack of outdoor spaces. In my opinion I think this trend is a negative development trend and authorities need to have solutions to solve this difficult trend nowadays.
The conclusion restates the main points but introduces new information about the need for solutions. It would be more effective if it summarized the essay's main arguments and clearly stated the writer's position.
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