Research has shown that the transportation of products and people are the main source of pollution. Some people believe the government should be in charge of this, while others believe it is the fault of individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Question
Research has shown that the transportation of products and people are the main source of pollution. Some people believe the government should be in charge of this, while others believe it is the fault of individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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6
Overall Band
6
Task Response
6
Coherence
6
Lexical
6
Grammar
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views regarding the responsibility for pollution caused by transportation. While the argument is generally clear, the essay lacks depth in some areas and contains a few grammatical inaccuracies. Improving coherence and expanding on each point with more specific examples would enhance the response.
The essay addresses the task by discussing both perspectives on the responsibility for pollution. However, the argument could be more developed, with clearer examples and deeper analysis, particularly regarding how governments and individuals can mitigate pollution.
The essay is generally well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and more cohesive devices could be used to enhance the flow of the essay.
The vocabulary is appropriate for the task and includes some variety, but there are instances of awkward phrasing. There is room to improve the range of vocabulary and the precision of word choice.
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors in grammar, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage, which detract from the overall clarity.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
Research has shown that the transportation of products and people are the main source of pollution. Some people believe the government should be in charge of this, while others believe it is the fault of individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Introduction
The transportation of products and people has been shown to be the major source of pollution. While some people believe the authorities should be responsible for this issue, many other argue that this problem is attributed to individuals. From my perspective, I firmly believe that this issue is contributed by both governments and citizens, which I will further elaborate in this essay.
The introduction effectively sets up the discussion by outlining both views and stating the thesis. However, slight rephrasing could improve the clarity and precision of the thesis statement.
Body paragraph 1
First, it is obvious that the government is the leader of a country, and therefore, every socio-economic activities are controlled by these law makers, including transportation of goods and citizens. In order for a country to develop, it is crucial for authorities to promote consumerism and market shares. As a result, products from many factories and corporations are delivered to numerous retailers, thus requiring the use of different vehicles, such as trains, cars and planes, thereby creating a significant amount of pollution into the atmosphere. Furthermore, as the government also focus on developing infrastructure, they are more likely to erect houses and buildings. The material needed for this activity are mainly produced in factories, and the more materials are made, the more CO2 emissions are exhausted into the air. As a result, our ecosystem is negatively affected.
This paragraph presents a reasonable argument about government responsibility. However, it could be improved by providing more specific examples or data to support claims. Some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing also need correction.
Body paragraph 2
However, I believe that this problem is also largely attributed to individuals. First, nowadays, people tend to inclined towards using their private vehicles rather than choosing public transportation. Due to this preference, a drastic amount of emissions were exhausted into the atmosphere, creating severe air pollution. Moreover, consumers’ market behavior also contribute largely to this environmental issue. For instance, many people are interested in fast fashion, and would buy numerous fashion items, just to wear them only once, then discharge them into the nature. This toxic trend has detrimentally affected the environment, causing soil pollution and many other related issues.
The second body paragraph provides a clear argument on individual responsibility. The discussion of private vehicle use and fast fashion is relevant, but would benefit from further elaboration and specific examples. Grammatical errors and awkward expressions need attention.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that both governments and individuals are the culprits behind environmental pollution, as they all contribute to this problem in different ways, including mass-production and toxic market behaviors.
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, it could be strengthened by suggesting solutions or actions that both governments and individuals can take to address pollution.
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