Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Question
Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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6
Overall Band
6
Task Response
6
Coherence
6
Lexical
6
Grammar
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views and offers a clear opinion. However, the essay could benefit from more precise language and better organization. Some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing affect clarity.
The essay addresses both views and provides a clear opinion. However, the argument could be more developed with specific examples. There is a lack of depth in the discussion of the benefits of learning other subjects. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could provide a stronger final opinion.
The essay is generally organized, with clear paragraphs. Transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some sentences are awkwardly constructed, affecting the flow. The use of cohesive devices is present but could be improved for better clarity and connection between ideas.
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, but some word choices are imprecise or awkward. There are repeated phrases, and the language could be more varied. Some vocabulary related to the topic is used effectively, but more sophisticated language could enhance the essay.
The essay contains some grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement and awkward sentence structures. There are instances of incorrect prepositions and articles. Complex sentences are attempted, but with mixed success. Improved grammatical accuracy and sentence variety would strengthen the essay.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Introduction
Some university learners want to gain knowledge about other subjects in addition to their main course. Others argue that it is more necessary to give all their time and concentration to learning for a qualification. I will talk about two issues and I give my own view in this passage.
The introduction outlines the two views and states the intention to discuss them. However, the thesis statement could be clearer and more concise. The phrase 'in this passage' is informal for an academic essay.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, studying about other courses helps learners reduce the risk of being unemployed. In this fast-paced world, technology devices such as robots play a principal role in society, it can do many jobs that individuals are doing now. In the future, technology devices will do many human jobs and many workers will be unemployed. Companies will prefer technology devices than people since the cost of operation is cheap and robots can work all day without rest. Therefore, you need to have a wide range of knowledge in many fields of life, if you are kicked out of a company you still have information in other fields to have another job.
The paragraph presents a relevant point about the benefits of learning other subjects. However, it lacks specific examples and could be more concise. The transition between ideas within the paragraph could be improved. The use of 'technology devices' is repetitive.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand, paying attention to the main course helps students be a master in the necessary case. Some undergraduates study in special fields such as doctor and engineering that require students to spend a lot of time to practice if they want to be a master in the field. Doctors should spend time to upgrade their skills when they have a surgery. If doctors gain knowledge about marketing, it doesn’t support anything for doctors. Moreover, learning other courses avoids the chance of bad academic performance . Undergraduates need to devote their time to study the main case to study other subjects, as a result, they will not have time to concentrate on the main field and they will not have good marks in the tests or exams.
The paragraph effectively discusses the importance of focusing on the main subject. However, the argument could be clearer and better organized. There are grammatical errors and awkward phrases. The point about academic performance is relevant but could be expanded.
Conclusion
To conclude, learning about other cases can promote learners to avoid the risk of being unemployed but concentrating on a key course helps students be a master in the principal case and avoid the chance of bad academic performance. I think it is more necessary to give time and attention to learning the main course because you should prioritize the results of the main subject and when you have a graduation you still have time to study other courses.
The conclusion summarizes the main points and offers a clear opinion. However, it could be more concise and use more formal language. The phrase 'when you have a graduation' is awkward. The conclusion effectively ties back to the introduction.
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