Evaluation for Question #8870

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Question

Your Essay

In fast-paced world, education is a controversial topic. Many students want to study about other subjects in addition to their main subjects but many people argue that it is neccessary to give all their time and concentration to studying for a qualification. I will discuss both views and I will give my own opinion in this passage 
On the one hand, studying about other subjects helps student's problem-solving skills . This is because students study other subjects, they will have many opportunities  to pick up new knowledge. They can broaden their minds and perspectives. As a result they can have a variety of efficentlly ways to solve problems in life.  
Moreover, learning about other subjects helps university individuals avoid risk of unemployed . This is due to the fact that the development of technology devices can do every simple jobs such as taxi, waiter, security, etc. If you don't have another information in another fields you will be unemployed. Therefore, you need to learn another subjects since you can change another job if your future job is replaced by artificial intellegence. 
On the other hand, students give all their time and concentration to studying for a qualification may improve students skills . Many subjects such as doctor or architecture, if learners want to improve their skills they need to spend a lot of time in their field . They can devote their time to learn how to organize a surgery better that helps for their career and the safety of people. Students study in field like doctor or architecture, they can't improve anything when they try to learn about other subjects such as singing or cooking. 
Not only that, university individuals can avoid risk of health problems. Students have one assignment is focusing their main field so they can have another time for personal activities like cooking, gym or meditation. These factors help learners have a balanced life and avoid risk of suffering from mental health or physical health 
In conclusion, studying other subjects has two fundamental factors are avoiding risk of unemployed and broadening their brain. However give all their time and attetion help students improve their skills and avoid risk of health problems. I prefer learning other subjects because I don't want to be unemployed in the future

You can edit this text for your reference. Changes will not be saved.

Overall Band

Task Response

Coherence

Lexical

Grammar

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views and providing an opinion. However, it lacks a clear structure, and there are numerous grammatical and lexical errors. The arguments are not fully developed, and there is some repetition. Greater coherence and cohesion are needed to improve the essay's overall clarity.

The essay attempts to address the task by discussing both views and giving an opinion. However, the arguments are not fully developed, and there is a lack of depth in the discussion. The opinion is stated but not sufficiently justified. The essay could benefit from more specific examples and a clearer explanation of the points made.

The essay lacks a clear structure, and the ideas are not logically organized. There is some repetition of ideas, and the use of cohesive devices is inconsistent. The paragraphs are not well linked, and transitions between ideas are not smooth, making it difficult to follow the argument.

The essay displays a limited range of vocabulary, and there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'neccessary', 'efficentlly', 'intellegence'). Some words are used incorrectly (e.g., 'risk of unemployed'), and the essay would benefit from more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas more effectively.

There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay, including incorrect use of articles, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. These errors detract from the overall clarity of the essay. Greater grammatical range and accuracy are needed to improve the quality of the writing.

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Question:
Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Introduction

The introduction attempts to introduce the topic and outline the essay's structure. However, it contains grammatical errors and lacks a clear thesis statement. The sentence construction is awkward and could be more concise.

Body paragraph 1

On the one hand, studying about other subjects helps student's problem-solving skills . This is because students study other subjects, they will have many opportunities to pick up new knowledge. They can broaden their minds and perspectives. As a result they can have a variety of efficentlly ways to solve problems in life.

The paragraph introduces the idea that studying other subjects can improve problem-solving skills. However, the argument is not fully developed, and there are numerous grammatical errors. The paragraph lacks specific examples to support the point made.

Body paragraph 2

Moreover, learning about other subjects helps university individuals avoid risk of unemployed . This is due to the fact that the development of technology devices can do every simple jobs such as taxi, waiter, security, etc. If you don't have another information in another fields you will be unemployed. Therefore, you need to learn another subjects since you can change another job if your future job is replaced by artificial intellegence.

The paragraph discusses the potential unemployment risk due to technological advancements. The argument is relevant but lacks clarity and coherence. There are several lexical and grammatical errors. The paragraph would benefit from clearer examples and a more logical flow.

Conclusion

In conclusion, studying other subjects has two fundamental factors are avoiding risk of unemployed and broadening their brain. However give all their time and attetion help students improve their skills and avoid risk of health problems. I prefer learning other subjects because I don't want to be unemployed in the future

The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points but lacks coherence and accuracy. The phrasing is awkward, and the conclusion does not effectively restate the opinion or argument presented. The conclusion needs to be clearer and more concise.

Evaluation for Question #8870

Question

Your Essay

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Introduction

Body paragraph 1

Body paragraph 2

Conclusion

Đăng ký học với AIM8IELTS.com

Links

Bạn đã đăng ký thành công

(+84) 0383-096-717

ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN

(+84) 0383-096-717

Evaluation for Question #8870

Question

Your Essay

Detailed Analysis by Paragraph

Introduction

Body paragraph 1

Body paragraph 2

Conclusion

Đăng ký học với AIM8IELTS.com

Links

Bạn đã đăng ký thành công​

(+84) 0383-096-717

ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN​

(+84) 0383-096-717

Bạn đã đăng ký thành công

ĐĂNG KÝ HỌC IELTS VỚI CÔ HUYỀN