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5
Overall Band
5
Task Response
5
Coherence
5
Lexical
5
Grammar
The essay attempts to describe the changes in the number of international students from different continents at a Canadian university over a period of time. However, it lacks a clear thesis and overall coherence. The analysis of data is somewhat superficial, and there are numerous grammatical and lexical issues that hinder the clarity of the argument.
The essay addresses the task by attempting to describe the trends shown in the line graph. However, the response lacks depth and does not provide a comprehensive analysis of the data. The essay does not clearly explain the significance of the changes over time, and important details are missing. Additionally, the essay does not provide a clear overview or summary of the main trends.
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, but it lacks logical progression and clear connections between ideas. The use of linking words is inconsistent and does not effectively guide the reader through the argument. The essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences and more cohesive devices.
The vocabulary used in the essay is limited and repetitive, with some incorrect word choices that affect clarity. There is an attempt to use some less common vocabulary, but it is not always used accurately. The essay would benefit from a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices.
There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay, including issues with sentence structure, verb tense, and subject-verb agreement. These errors detract from the overall clarity of the essay. The essay would benefit from more complex sentence structures and improved grammatical accuracy.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
Introduction
The presented line graph depicts the originality of international pupils at a Canadian university during different time periods.
The introduction is vague and does not clearly introduce the topic or provide a thesis statement. The phrase 'the originality of international pupils' is unclear and should be revised for clarity.
Body paragraph 1
Overall, changes, more or less, occurred for all the continents in 5 different years, including 1995, 2000, 2005,2010 and 2015. African and European were the only two to never record downward trends in students studying abroad while Asia and South America both upgrade and downgrade over the year.
This paragraph attempts to provide an overview but lacks clarity and depth. The use of 'upgrade and downgrade' is inappropriate in this context. The paragraph would benefit from more precise language and clearer analysis of the data.
Body paragraph 2
Granted, African students at the Canadian university steadily increased without ever deducting over the years, with only under 50 individuals in 1995 to almost 150 students in 2015. Same case scenario with European, but changes were way less significant, recording just about 50 in 1995 to exactly 50 in 2010, but then skyrocketed to over a 100 students in 2015.
This paragraph describes some trends but lacks depth and precision. The use of 'deducting' is incorrect, and 'same case scenario' is informal. The analysis is superficial and needs more detail to effectively convey the changes.
Conclusion
Conversely, South America had considerable differences while both upwards and downwards during the period, showing no significant changes in the 10 years from 1995 with approximately 50 pupils in the Canadian university. Asia remained the most stable region, recording minor changes while almost staying just around 65 students.
The conclusion attempts to summarize the trends but lacks clarity and coherence. The description of South America is confusing, and the analysis of Asia is too brief. The conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points of the essay.
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