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6
Overall Band
6
Task Response
6
Coherence
6
Lexical
6
Grammar
The essay presents a clear position and attempts to address the task, but there are areas where improvement is needed. The arguments are generally coherent, but there could be more clarity and development in some parts. While the vocabulary is appropriate, there are some inaccuracies and the range is somewhat limited. Grammatical structures are varied but include errors that affect the overall clarity.
The essay addresses the task by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a clear personal opinion. However, the arguments could be more developed with further examples or evidence. The task is understood, but some points are not fully elaborated, and the conclusion could be more strongly stated.
The essay is logically organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, some points within paragraphs could be more clearly linked, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. Cohesion is present but could be enhanced with more varied linking devices.
The vocabulary is appropriate for the topic, but there is a limited range and some inaccuracies. Phrases like 'employing females' could be expressed more naturally. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, but some are used inaccurately.
The essay shows a variety of sentence structures, but there are errors in grammar that occasionally obscure meaning. Examples include incorrect verb forms and punctuation issues. Greater accuracy and complexity in grammatical structures would improve the score.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
Introduction
It is commonly thought that just as males serve in the army and police, females should also be granted the same opportunity. However, this perspective is challenged by those who think such careers are not appropriate for women.I am personally of the view that roles in the army and police force should be equally accessible to women, regardless of their constraints.
The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer's position. However, it could be improved by elaborating more on the opposing view to set the context for the discussion.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, critics argue that women are less suited for police or military roles because these positions require significant physical strength and could potentially disrupt team cohesion.Firstly, the fact is that police or military roles are hard jobs requiring various physical skills and physical endurance. Thus, these harsh demands can be too intense for women and might make them feel overwhelmed. To be specific, men are often better at dealing with dangerous tasks, such as handling combat missions or carrying heavy gear.Moreover, some critics argue that the presence of women in police or military roles could impact team cohesion and operational efficiency due to perceptions regarding their physical appearance. Such disruptions could be particularly detrimental in high-pressure situations, where effective teamwork and a strong chain of command are crucial.
The paragraph presents arguments against women in military roles. While the points are relevant, they could be more developed with examples or evidence. The transition between points could be smoother.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand, many opponents including me claim that employing females in these jobs can bring numerous benefits to society and enhance equal rights and gender equality.It is clear that everyone deserves the right to work in any job, no matter what their gender is, particularly if they meet the same physical and mental requirements as men.As a result, employing women to serve in police or military roles challenges outdated gender stereotypes. Moreover, women not only deserve equal rights like men but also bring unique skills and perspectives that improve the whole team's performance. Since female workers are often better than males at traits such as emotional intelligence, communication, and problem-solving, which are particularly valuable in community policing, peacekeeping, and negotiation roles. Thus,these advantages brought by women can outweigh their limitations in strength.
The paragraph effectively presents the benefits of women in military roles. The arguments are clear and relevant, but could be strengthened with more concrete examples. The paragraph's coherence would benefit from clearer topic sentences and transitions.
Conclusion
In conclusion,although lack of physical strength and team harmony issues might happen when allowing women to serve for police or military roles, I still believe that they not only have the right to be treated equally as men, but they also contribute distinct abilities that enhance the overall effectiveness of the team.
The conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the writer's opinion. However, it could be more impactful by directly addressing the implications or suggesting broader relevance or future considerations.
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Địa chỉ: 63 Vũ Ngọc Phan, Láng Hạ, Đống Đa, Hà Nội
