Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Question
Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Essay
Câu chứa lỗi
Gợi ý sửa
Giải thích
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7
Overall Band
7
Task Response
7
Coherence
7
Lexical
6
Grammar
The essay presents a balanced discussion of the issue and provides a clear opinion. The main ideas are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, there are some areas for improvement in coherence, lexical resource, and grammatical accuracy.
The essay effectively addresses both views and provides a clear opinion. The main ideas are well-developed and relevant examples are given. However, the opinion could be more strongly emphasized throughout the essay, and some arguments would benefit from further elaboration.
The essay is generally well-organized, with clear paragraphing and logical progression of ideas. However, transitions between some ideas could be smoother, and some sentences could be more closely linked to enhance overall coherence.
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some variety and sophistication. Nonetheless, there are occasional inaccuracies and awkward word choices that slightly detract from the overall clarity and precision of the writing.
The essay displays a range of grammatical structures with generally good control. However, there are several grammatical errors, particularly in terms of sentence structure and agreement, which affect the clarity and accuracy of the writing.
Detailed Analysis by Paragraph
Question:
Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Introduction
Some individuals assume that women should have equal responsibilities as men in armed forces such as the army. However, others argue that women cannot participate equally in these roles. In my opinion, although females have physical differences and they could cause lower team effectiveness, they also provide some special abilities and are supported by modern training methods and technology, which help them work alongside with males in military or police jobs.
The introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and presents the writer's opinion. However, the opinion could be more prominently stated to set a clear stance from the beginning.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the major reason why women should not serve in law enforcement like men is that they have physical barriers compared to their male counterparts, potentially affecting their performance in harsh conditions. In military jobs, physical strength is one of the most essential factors, being required for all individuals participating in those roles. However, women do not have equal physical standards as men, which makes them prone to injuries while training or performing duties. Additionally, mixed-gender military units could face distractions, which negatively affect team operation or cohesion. Critics argue that a team with both men and women might have arising conflicts of gender stereotypes among teammates. As a consequence, they cannot cooperate peacefully, leading to decreased overall team effectiveness.
The paragraph presents a clear argument against women serving in the military, supported by relevant reasons and examples. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration, and transitions between ideas could be smoother.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand, women can offer some unique qualities such as empathy or communication skills, which can enhance operations in specific situations. For example, in cases of domestic violence, females are more sensitive and have a better understanding of the incident than male, enabling them to perform and solve the problems more efficiently. As a result, these traits could help women officers achieve exceptional results, proving that it is reasonable to allow females in military roles. Furthermore, although females have lower physical health capabilities, it would no longer be a disadvantage since there is significantly growing modern training and technology. These technological developments, such as weapons or drones, could enhance female officers' ability to carry out physically demanding tasks more easily and effectively. Therefore, the physical gap between genders would be mitigated, which ensures that women can have equal access to armed forces.
This paragraph effectively presents an argument in favor of women serving in the military, supported by relevant examples. The points are well-developed, though some sentences could be more concise for clarity.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite of physical limitations and the risk of conflicts among officers while integrating women in law enforcements, I still believe that females should have the equal roles in these jobs due to their insights in certain contexts and assistance from technological advancements, which completely make it possible for women to serve in police and military force.
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer's opinion. However, it could be more concise and impactful by clearly restating the key reasons supporting the opinion.
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